It's been almost a decade since I've really wrote. I'm inherently a writer. I started writing poetry when I was in 5th grade. I've kept a journal pretty much since 3rd grade. My thoughts from an early age were always fairly well developed for a youngster. I was a creative soul. Adulthood swooped in and built a wall against all of that. I've been locked out of my own head for so long. With the walls of responsibility and the mundane schedule of the proverbial 9-5, a great sense of self has somehow been lost.
As I began to exit my college years I also began to exit my head. I would imagine that this is an uphill battle that most post-grads face in the wake of their most intellectual years. It takes a great amount of discipline to continue the search and hunger for intellectual and spiritual growth. Coming from a Christian college as a Religion major, I was constantly inundated with sermons, groups, intellectual and spiritual conversation, and theology. Upon graduation, the umbilical cord to my resources for intellectual and spiritual growth and inquiry was severed.
Into the world of adulthood, schedules, responsibilities, and relationship centered thinking, I was spit into. It was void of creativity, deprived of intellectual inquiry, and somehow empty of soul searching. My intellect became centered around the success of relationships. Energy directs us. My energy was consumed by whatever relationship I was in and somehow I began to equate the search for relationship success with the void of intellectual growth. Human nature always desires for void to be filled; even if it's with the wrong things. My energy would go towards how to make something right in a relationship verses the pursuit of intellectual and spiritual ponders. Habits grow quickly and die hard. At 30 years of age I am discovering that the last 9 years of my life have internally focused towards the wrong pursuits. I have been intellectually dead and geared towards creating a family so much that I have lost the soul inside of me that for so long drove me to discover, inquire, search with the core of my being, and take delight in simplistic edifying activities. Simple activities such as writing, REALLY listening to music, pursuing God and Philosophy, and conversation over coffee with a friend.
Where have you gone, Jessica Cole??? I am still in this shell somewhere. The things that once built me up from the ground remain as a foundation. I am still aware of my love for music, poetry, theology, the love of God, and His people. These things ground me, though, we are at a distance. After almost a decade of intellectual and spiritual depravity, enough is enough! College doesn't determine the beginning and end of intellectual and spiritual pursuits; it just makes them easier. My energy has been focused incorrectly. Part of adulthood is pursuing your passions and desires un-aided by systems or people. Part of adulthood is truly evolving on your own. At 30 years of age and after almost a decade of brain death, I am saying NO MORE! It's on me now.
Adulthood, you suck sometimes but I suppose I better start embracing you and learn to love what you offer. You give me the chance to evolve. Thank you.
Into the world of adulthood, schedules, responsibilities, and relationship centered thinking, I was spit into. It was void of creativity, deprived of intellectual inquiry, and somehow empty of soul searching. My intellect became centered around the success of relationships. Energy directs us. My energy was consumed by whatever relationship I was in and somehow I began to equate the search for relationship success with the void of intellectual growth. Human nature always desires for void to be filled; even if it's with the wrong things. My energy would go towards how to make something right in a relationship verses the pursuit of intellectual and spiritual ponders. Habits grow quickly and die hard. At 30 years of age I am discovering that the last 9 years of my life have internally focused towards the wrong pursuits. I have been intellectually dead and geared towards creating a family so much that I have lost the soul inside of me that for so long drove me to discover, inquire, search with the core of my being, and take delight in simplistic edifying activities. Simple activities such as writing, REALLY listening to music, pursuing God and Philosophy, and conversation over coffee with a friend.
Where have you gone, Jessica Cole??? I am still in this shell somewhere. The things that once built me up from the ground remain as a foundation. I am still aware of my love for music, poetry, theology, the love of God, and His people. These things ground me, though, we are at a distance. After almost a decade of intellectual and spiritual depravity, enough is enough! College doesn't determine the beginning and end of intellectual and spiritual pursuits; it just makes them easier. My energy has been focused incorrectly. Part of adulthood is pursuing your passions and desires un-aided by systems or people. Part of adulthood is truly evolving on your own. At 30 years of age and after almost a decade of brain death, I am saying NO MORE! It's on me now.
Adulthood, you suck sometimes but I suppose I better start embracing you and learn to love what you offer. You give me the chance to evolve. Thank you.
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