In the wake of yet another classmates untimely passing, I am yet again reminded of stuff I just said in a recent post. This classmates death at 30 years of age has been described publicly as "unexpected". I've had three other classmates of mine have "unexpected" deaths. I don't want to assume but prior experience says at this age, it means one thing. I talked about in a previous blog about how some of us for whatever reasons get to the bottom of our barrels and somehow manage to get out of that darkness; others succumb to it. I was specifically referencing 3 of my classmates that took their own lives. One had a family of his own and financial woes. Another reached out to me two days before he shot himself in the head. Another struggled with the loss of his 4 friends that were killed in a tragic car accident when we were Sophomores. They accidentally slammed a car into a tree going over 100mph. He had a suicide attempt once in high school and drove his car into the same tree his friends did. He wasn't successful. After we graduated he was. This week, we are left to another "unexpected" death. Word hasn't traveled through the grapevine yet for any of us to know yet but I will say this; ironically I found myself looking through her Facebook page a few weeks ago. This woman and I have been estranged since high school. I wondered how life was treating her. So naturally I Facebook stalked her just like I did with the guy that shot himself in the head just prior to his death. I noticed that she didn't have much to say or post on fb.
Alarms went off in me when I saw that (we will call him John) John had practically nothing on his fb for a long bout of time. I'm a social worker. I identify when folks are suicidal or bordering suicidal ideation. I know what to look for. I'm trained in how to handle it. I hadn't talked to John for 10 years since we graduated. John reached out to me randomly one night via Facebook messenger. I thought this to be ironic since I was just randomly Facebook stalking him a few days prior. He was so inquisitive of my life. I inquired back and he'd brush off my questions about his life. Another warning sign. Alarms going off. Since I hadn't spoken with him in 10 years, I quickly grew weary of talking about my life and not hearing anything about his. I simply said I had to go to bed. It was good catching up. Goodnight. He was so sweet to me about everything and it was odd to me because 10 YEARS!!! I thought to myself that night, "I know he's in Grand Haven. Should I call for a welfare check on him?!". It was a gut feeling I had and not confirmed by anything John had said to me that night. Two days later he blew his head off. I'm trained in recognizing that stuff. That's my job. That's what I do and God dammit! I knew.
The most recent classmate that died "unexpectedly", I ironically found myself randomly Facebook stalking her for the first time in 12 years just two weeks ago. Social media is bullshit most of the time. I'm not fooled by so many of our posts expressing that life is so grand and full. I know that for a decent amount of us, the bold, abundant, filled with smiles and happiness posts, have a darker background then what's presented. Certainly we all can't be as happy as we present. And this is where my realistic concern comes in. I've lost 3-4 classmates now to suicide; to the darkness. I've learned that it doesn't matter if you have a spouse or kids. I've learned that the decision to exit this world on your own accord isn't based on thinking about how it effects others; it's about choosing to end your own struggle; to stop the darkness. It can get so consuming sometimes, so lonely, that the only solution after so long is to just end it. I always thought about suicide (I should mention I just lost a close client of mine to completion of suicide this past Spring) as such a selfish thing. How could you leave so and so?! When we are in those most desperate places there is no one else. Mentally/emotionally we are alone and we just want to see some light and feel some peace.
I've never been suicidal but I've spent some time in the darkness that has swallowed up a few of my classmates. In the darkest places, no one was with me except my God. But I recognize that it's not that way for everyone. For some of us, it's just an empty darkness that swallows us up and we are alone. In the days to come I am confident that my small town community will talk and we will all find out what really happened to my female classmate. Regardless if it is what I suspect or not, suicide and the darkness are something that we all need to talk about. It has become increasingly apparent to me that my graduating class and I will always be bound by going through some of the most pivotal years together. No matter where we are, who we were to each other or who we weren't to each other, when one of us leaves this world, it affects us. To my graduating class, none of us are nobodies. What I hope comes from the most recent death, is conversation. Whether or not it was suicide, it's something that needs to be talked about. Whether or not, without her counting, we've lost 3 classmates to that darkness. It is my hope that somehow, since we all matter in some capacity to each other, that with this fake ass social media front some of us put on, we can look past that, reach past that, and support each other in life like we have those we have lost in death. Let us not have a reason to reflect and realize how much someone means to us after it's too late.
The darkness swallows some of us up while others get out. It's a wonder why some of us get out. I am an example of that. If we all matter…let us all care. Conversation begin…..
No comments:
Post a Comment