I tend to be one of the least observant people I know. Therefore specifics of movies, books, and life in general don't usually stick with me. This book did not exceed my capabilities. I've come away from it with the general idea of community in the wake of tragedy and some sense of hope in the midst of hopeless. There are good quotes in it but they have been left to being underlined in the book and not in my memory.
This morning I met with my first boss ever. This goes back to when I was freshly 15 years of age. We talked life, future employment, goals, etc. We also discussed the hardships that I have been faced with in the last year and some change, openly. In repeating my story there is still some sense of awe of where I've been. There is strength to be found when we are able to put words to our experiences, be frank about who we are and where we are at, and ultimately liberation to be discovered in doing so. It is my belief that Satan works to SHAME us into keeping our darkness a secret. We all have our own darkness. So many of us allow shame to keep our experiences closed up inside us.
(Brief segway - I just received the best news of my life next to being accepted to Hope College and having my financial aid come in) This is on the heals of the most by far challenging, humbling, tearing down year of my life. It's ironic how God works. I don't mean to ruin the flow of my writing but I have to for this one! The news that I just received is that of LIBERATION, FREEDOM, and JUSTICE! It's news that gives me a new lease on life and the ability to rebuild from the ground up! Many people in life do not get this chance and I am certainly not overlooking it! I completed reading Ann Lamont's book on Meaning, Hope, and Repair…..three things that my life has centered around focusing on for the last year and at the culmination of reading the book…so ironically is the culmination of the past year of my life of MEANING, HOPE, AND REPAIR.
Where I was going with this blog before I received this justice oriented news was laying out the first chapter of 2 Corinthians.3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 6 If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7 And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort. I kid you not, this is exactly where I was going. Without divulging too much unwanted and unnecessary information, I was going to take the track where God pulls us into uncomfortable situations where we are comforted and then are called to pass that comfort and reassurance on. So I will try to pull it together now but just needed to highlight how God's works in the midst chaos for our betterment.
ON TRACK….ish…..So many people let their darkness dim their light instead of highlight it. God is no fool and neither are human beings. People respond better to genuine realness than highlighted success. We tend to resound more with those that are broken than those that put on a front (as we are all broken). Joy is not necessarily something we all can identify with but pain is. I hate to be cliche but apart from knowing darkness, we do not know what light is. It is the darkness that defines the light for us. Anyone living in West Michigan knows that in the dreary Winter months, the Sun is rarely seen. When it comes out, it's 10x more glorious to us than those that are so well aquanited with it; and such is life…….
The premise for my original blog before I received my liberating news was and still is, God's call to us in the dark places of our lives. We like to present ourselves as neat, tidy, people but the truth is LIFE IS REAL and our experiences can be rough and dirty! It's not that we are out of God's will in the midst of the dirt but that God works WITH IT. It's not shame that we should live in the midst of but God's great understanding and use his comfort to forward our knowledge in life.
The truth is, I've lost love, a home, sense of comfort, trust in people, my job, my sense of being, everything; but my family, my community in West Michigan, and my sense of self. My life isn't pretty. At 30, I've moved back home to my parents partially by choice and partially out of necessity. At 30, I am living back with my folks and honestly, I can't think of anything greater at this point. I've spent so many nights crying myself to sleep. Choosing loneliness over short term fulfillment. Sticking to my adult needs and neglecting the fact that I can be a CHILD to my parents and honestly, a CHILD to GOD. Stubbornness has kept me away from my roots. This self-centered need to establish myself in this world as an individual and build up my own world apart from all that I've known has superseded my need for roots and taking advantage of the wonderful family I've been provided for so long, for too long. Kudos to me! I came, I sought, I conquered in Denver. I created that life apart from all that I knew and proved to myself I could do it! Though it came at a compromised cost.
Tomorrow I get to go to my Cousin Maddie's district final game -- in what?! I don't even know because I've been so far removed. But dammit, I get to attend tomorrow and start attending to the things that are truly meaningful! In other words folks, if we keep our experiences and our stories secret; if we keep those experiences in our lives that lend themselves to shame hidden and under wraps, how can we comfort those in the future that need our comfort that God has extended to us?!?!
As far as loss….whoa boy, I've known the feelings of loss. Over the past year I've lost my freedom, my home, my love, my job, my sense of security, my sense of being, my church, my main group of friends, etc. etc. I could play victim and say life chewed me up and spit my poor soul out but the truth is, GOD'S REFINING FIRE caught me! Truth is love is truly found in loss. Light is found in darkness and HOPE, BEING, RESTORATION, is found in the midst of hardship. If I could say anything to my peers it's that don't let shame extinguish your story! Don't allow hardship to mute your words! and for sure do not allow grief to deter you away from the love the God has for you! There is a much bigger plan at work!
So what is the other?????????? The other is HOPE, RESTORATION, LOVE, and HEALING. And more than anything….second chances y'all. We've all got them. WE ALL NEED THEM!
Psalm 55:22 "Give your burdens to the LORD, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall."
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