The Things We Leave Behind; Deep Roots and Getting Grounded

       A week ago I stepped into my car that was filled to the rim of my belongings, scrapings of my life, and in a little corner, my puppy.  It was 5:40 in the morning in Denver.  I was about to leave the life I have known for 4 1/2 years and make the trek back to the life I had known for my first 26 years.  Saying goodbye that morning to my beloved friend Sam, I held it together just fine.  I got in my car and began my drive.  Less than two blocks away I broke down in tears and somehow had the staying power of sobbing for the next hour and a half as I made my way back to Michigan.
      I'm not someone who accepts change very readily.  Once I get used to things being a certain way, I have trouble embracing the new…however beneficial it may be for me.  Upon leaving Denver I was flooded with memories, familiarities, and a strong desire to hold on to all that I knew.  After I cried so hard my eyes swelled and wiped my nose enough that it was red, I spent the next 16 1/2 hours thinking about what was ahead of me.  I began to be comforted by knowing the possibilities were endless.  When I crossed the Michigan state line, I felt a huge rush of comfort come over me.  For the first time since I left 4 1/2 years ago I felt like I could take a huge breath and feel liberated.
      Colorado was play time for me.  It was adventure and a means to discover myself apart from my family.  It served its purpose well for those means.  When I was 26 I needed to spread my wings and flew the coop.  I needed to know that I could create a life of my own apart from the amazing one that was created for me.  I needed to know that I could invent a life all of my own and stand firmly on that.  In hindsight, I feel that I accomplished my goal and then some.  I returned home to Michigan with a sense of confidence in myself that I had not previously had.
       Michigan as I know/knew it was oppressive.  The Winters are long, hard, and dark.  The small town vibe of Grand Haven/ Holland can get so stifling that it chokes you out.  Being gay doesn't go over well with most around here -  especially the Christian circles of which I will ALWAYS be dedicated to.  Too many people know each others families, their history, their business.  It's always been a small place for me.  I reached out into the world and the world expanded.  Colorado taught me about life beyond West Michigan.  It taught me just who I am, isolated from expectation and judgement.  It taught me strength.
       Since I have retuned a week ago, I have not stopped smiling.  I did not expect that.  Life is so much bigger than our adventures and experiences! God knows I love to explore in the mountains, go on hikes, snowboard, and be one with nature.  God knows I adore the sunshine! God also knows exactly what I need when I need it….before I even have a clue.  Before YOU even have a clue; He knows.  We just need to have a finely tuned ear.  Admittedly so, my ears have been full of wax but God has been persistent with me.  In my attempts to be stubborn and choose what I thought would create ME happiness, He broke me down and has shown me what creates US happiness.  Being accessible to my friends and family; the relationships that have built me from the ground up, is of utmost importance.  To spend time with those that have known me through my whole life, to continue to grow older with those friends that have had the most profound effect on my life, to reconnect with those that have provided me with my deeps roots in life and move forward TOGETHER; that is my desire and now my reality.  I didn't know I needed it like I do.  I wasn't aware of how soul filling it is in comparison to my Colorado adventures and escapades.  I didn't know that copious amounts of snow, gray skies, old roads to drive on, and having family and friends to pester me to visit would fill my soul so much.
        I spread my wings 4 1/2 years ago and have been flying ever since.  The wind took me where it pleased and I was receptive.  I've now landed back at home base where my roots are deep and unwavering; where they hold me tight and firm in the goodness I've been provided in my life.  I know that above being a "Colorado girl", I am a family woman and a true Michigander. I like having a reason to wear my Carhartts and drink shitty beer. ;) Cabin fever isn't fun and Winters always get daunting.  What doesn't wear on the soul are family values, love, tradition, and glue that binds you to a place that has raised you and continues to grow you.
       

I continue to grow.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." -Proverbs 3:5-6

"We know that all things work together for the good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28  "If God is for us, who can be against us?" - Romans 8:31

I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;

    he heard my cry for mercy.

2 

Because he turned his ear to me,

    I will call on him as long as I live.

-Psalm 116: 1-2 

Thanks be to God!