From time to time I find myself turning the pages of old journals from my senior year of high school and college. I read bits of wisdom from a girl that it is much younger than I. She is so full of passion, enthusiasm for the world and God's children, and focused grace. Her knowledge of scripture is admirable and contagious. Her thirst for doing God's work would lead anyone to want to do more. Her honesty about herself and shortcomings is a transparency that most wish they had the courage to behold. I long to be close to that person. She is me, but we are no longer the same.
It is not unheard of for a college graduate to enter into the world with such zeal and optimism. It's also not unheard of for a person like that to lose ample amounts of steam over years. The disconnect between my former self and present day Jess started to occur subconsciously while I was still in college. It began with being asked to step down from my youth ministry leadership position within the church for being in a gay relationship. I was unapologetic for my love and therefore, the church was unapologetic to me. I was determined not to allow it to get to me. I ministered to many people about the difference between God's love and the examples led by God's children. I encouraged my fellow gay brothers and sisters in Christ not to lose heart for God despite deficiencies and hypocrisies held within the church. I felt led by the Spirit to do and say such things. I was in the throws of a gay pain melding pot and kept heart; or so I thought.
When you're forced to recognize your marginalized status over and over again, you can't help but absorb some of the messages of the majority. When one loves God so but is spiritually abused by the church in such ways, one cannot help but grow a thicker skin. The overarching tunes that many of my peers, church colleagues, and some family played were that of...
- You can't be in ministry and be gay
- You can no longer have a close relationship with God
- We can no longer be "sisters in Christ" because you must not know him anymore
- You are a mistake
- You are wrong
- You are LESS than
- You must change
- You must change
- You must change
Thick skin or no skin, the messages seep in. Spirit led and/or Spirit filled, some of the spiritual vigor is lost to closed doors. I read those journal entry's of that Godly young woman and I miss her. She had a finely tuned ear to the Divine and a sense of un-tattered innocence in her strength and knowledge of self. She didn't know that the plight of a people group was about to be her own. As I look back with my worldly wisdom, slightly jaded, I am reminded that I am not the only one missing something; I know that young woman misses me too.
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