5-Steps to Coping with ADHD

Step 1: Receive a diagnosis and accept it
Step 2: Educate yourself about ADHD as best as possible
Step 3: Make changes in your life to help cope with the disorder
Step 4: Apologize to people in your life who have been negatively affected by your disorder & work                    to educate them on ADHD and it’s symptoms the affect you
Step 5: Accept who you are and strive to be the best possible version of you

     STEP 1: A little over a year ago I received a diagnosis of a neurological disorder known as ADHD.  Once I began to educate myself on how it manifests itself in children and adults, my whole life and its struggles began to make sense.  For the last year I’ve vacillated back and forth between anger and comfort due to feeling understood by books and medical professionals. STEP 3:  I have gone through 8 different kinds of medication attempting to treat my ADHD symptoms and have had some counseling.  I’ve dealt with crazy amounts of negative side effects to the medications all while attempting to obtain my Masters of Divinity.  To say it’s been a trying time is an understatement.
     STEP 2: During the last year I have learned a lot about myself and about ADHD.  All my life I have had to work three times as hard as a regular person to obtain my educational and professional goals.  I have had a lot of failures amidst few successes.  All my life I have seemed less than my peers.  Social comparison is a bitch - in school, my relationships, and in my jobs I have constantly compared my abilities to theirs and seemingly come up short.  Despite all this, I have always worked hard.  However, my inabilities, difficulties, and short-comings led me to depression and anxiety once I was in college.
    STEP 4-mostly:  For years my “situational” depression and anxiety were treated as such.  The first psychiatrist I had was in college.  He thought that my anxiety and depression were siloed and only induced by different stressors.  My ADHD went undiagnosed.  I then began a long history of relationships that were reckless, destructive, and ultimately damaging to my self-esteem. Those ugly relationships affected my friendships negatively, which further pressed me into those damaging relationships.  It was as if I was drowning, gasping for air, and reaching for anything that might hold me up for just a little bit.
     Often times I get overwhelmed easily.  I feel deeper than most and can’t shake emotion as easily as most.  I become hyper-focused on the source of my stress to the detriment of my jobs and social obligations.  It was and sometimes is (much less than before) a vicious cycle.  The older I get the more it seems that large social obligations cause anxiety in me.  Lots of people equals lots of stimulus.  For me its not only exhausting but mentally rigorous to keep up with it all.  This anxiety causes me to cancel on events and people much more often than I would like to.  I loathe being inconsistent.  Insert more depression and self-loathing.  I truly SUCK at communication in these times of texting, emailing, and social media.  If some line of communication comes across my path while I am busy, it goes in one ear and out the other.  This often times leads people to become frustrated with me.  This letting down of people deeply troubles me and sends me further down in my self-depreciating ways.
     I am an intelligent, relational, deeply caring person and because of that, the symptoms of ADHD which I carry are intensely maddening to me.  For as much as I’ve let people down and baffled them with my ways, somehow I am still vigorously loved by a couple handfuls of people.  I have to work 3 times as hard to be “normal” - meet the status quo.  The more I come to understand and educate people in my life about my neurological disorder the more forgiveness and acceptance I hope to find; not just in others but myself.  I am deeply critical of myself and my short-comings. It’s maddening setting your heart and soul to something and having your mind override it. I’m in constant battle with myself.
    Step 5: It’s a learning curve. Truth be told, though I am a year and some change into this, I’ve only just begun my journey into accepting my brain and self for what it is. Heck, I’m even angered that medication works for most but for some reason, not for me. However, I’ve only got one mind and therefore I need to love it and put who I am and what I am to good use.  I have some agonizing limitations but I also possess some wonderful, intrinsic gifts as well.  The trick is to learn to accept yourself, your limitations, and your gifts for what they are.  I, admittedly, am still learning.  The more I lean into STEP 4, the more I believe I will be able to embrace STEP 5.

Poem: Unconformed

I wrote this about 6 months after I came out to my parents.  They went from always being my number one supporters and cheerleaders to being my biggest opposition.  We went through 2 1/2 years of disagreement hell together.  However, once they realized that it wasn’t an experiment and that it was truly a deep part of who I am, my parents have loving embraced me and supported me since.  

UNCONFORMED

By: Jessica Cole Robinson

3-3-05

You think you can stop me

With your doubt

Change my world

With a cry and a shout

Pull the carpet out from underneath me

To make me beg

But I’m stronger than that

To fall victim 

To the system

That made me this way

Better than a sellout

Tougher than you believer

Cut me down a few more times

Whatcha wanna do, see me bleed?!

You slander my intentions

Diminish my beliefs

Hate our differences

See scum -- that is all -- underneath

You built me up from infancy

A strong individual with pride

Now that I’m my own woman

You want me to conform

You want me to hide

Comforting hand that loved 

Has been pulled back from my soul

Left to fend for myself

I’d rather not know

Know that my conceivers love

Changes with disagreements tide

Know that the desire is for me

Not to be my own 

To flow in wake of parents pride

Illusions have become us

Soon I’ll flip further into your unknown

Refusing soul prostitution

In only God I find home

Two wrongs won’t make this right

For your love -- not going to back down

I’m gunna fight

Hold closely my accusers 

With the love I do not get

In the end I’ll prosper

I do not fret

So you may hate me 

The very being your love and blood formed

But when you go to hit my cheek

I’ll turn the other one

STANDING STRONG -- ME -- UNCONFORMED

Love.

          A little over 8 months ago I wrote a post about missing the girl that I used to be.  I reflected on my days in college where my faith was the strongest.  I had my old journals to remind of that faithfulness.  I've been done with college for 10 years now.  Without a doubt I've grown, changed, evolved, at times regressed, and then grew again.  I've been twisted, broken, rebuilt, and sharpened by others, my faith, and my desires for evolving.
          The missing key all these years was submersing myself into my faith.  For the last 10 years I have held it loosely in my hand; always there, always close to me, but never held tight like it should be; like I need it to be.  Following reading my old journal entries from college and realizing this intense longing to feel close to the faithfulness I had in college, I made some changes.  I jumped back into my faith with all of my being.  It was here that I rediscovered my foundation, my core.
          Several weeks ago I found myself in complete silence and solitude at an Episcopal monastery.  I had no access to my phone, internet, or tv.  In the silence and solitude I surprisingly became aware of something beautiful and slightly unexpected; with everything stripped away, I am completely at peace with myself.  It took 32 years to get there.  I have to think that the strength of my faith has everything to do with it.  Over time what I have learned as a result of this peace follows. I believe this peace can be achieved by all.

• Relationships do not define my importance.
• Purpose can be found and achieved apart from having children and a spouse.
• God can truly fulfill your needs and desires. 
• Wholeness and happiness exists for all. 
• Separation from wants and desires helps eliminate personal suffering. (Buddhist belief)
• Surrendering your will to God's allows for joy and peace to fill in the cracks.

         I've discovered this and so much more.  What it has done for me is open more up to a much greater capacity to love, not force things, be accepting of circumstances, and just roll with it.  I no longer worry how things will work out, stress about how ends will be met, who my spouse will be, if I will have children, etc.  I have faith that God will take me where I need to be.  My job is to listen and then jump in with both feet.

I Am White and I Am Not Privileged!!!

     


          I grew up in a smaller town along the beach; by no means a backwoods village.  The folks that inhabit this town have been and have always been 99% white as white comes.  90% inhabitants of this town are rather affluent; bigger homes, boats, cottages up north, no worries of where food comes from, what name brand clothes they will buy, travel frequently, afford top notch college educations for their kids, etc. We live in a white, affluent, bubble. And you betcha! crime is low if almost unheard of!
         From what I've heard from several colleagues in this beautiful beach town, the reason why crime is almost unheard of and that we are a peaceful community is because we don't have the problem of having minorities in our community.  We work to not be very inclusive or welcoming of outsiders.   After all, who wouldn't want to maintain our quaint, cozy, safe, beach town?!  This also includes making sure we aren't very welcoming of those who practice religions outside of Christianity. We are pretty tolerable of non-believers because they don't pose a threat to the Christian principals that our city has been founded on.
       An interesting thing happened yesterday.  A friend of mine from high school posted something on Facebook in where he gave an honest attempt to apologize for posting something potentially offensive to homosexuals.  This friend is someone who I've been fond of since high school, although distant now.  I attempted to give light that using the terminology "homosexual" was derogatory and oppressive to the GLBT community.  A gentleman responded with sarcasm.  I responded with, "...said the privileged, white, straight, man".  Six WHITE men and one WHITE woman weighed in on that comment repeatedly.  All stating that being white doesn't carry any privilege.  This sadly escalated to tearing apart gay esteem and everyone stating that white and gender privilege does not exist.  All involved in this conversation are from my beloved home town.
        It wasn't until my senior year of college, (a primarily white, extremely affluent college), that I was FORCED to acknowledge my white privilege through FORCED education in a psychology class.  It was a painful process.  I grew up being open to people of different colors, so that meant I wasn't a racist (ha).  My skin color, in my head, did not give me some gold path to walk down.  Turns out, I can have no money and no education and yet still have so many privileges that non-whites do not have.  I implored those that responded with sarcasm and disdain yesterday to simply greet people with respect, speak to build others up (this is Biblical for those red, white, and blue bleeding Christians I dialogued with yesterday), act with compassion, and exude love before anything else.  I was then blasted with all sorts of awful things about me being an ignorant, hippie loving, liberal.
        So be it.  I'm very much so a moderate but if acting in the above gets me called a liberal...then I fully embrace it.  "The first shall be last and the last shall be first." - Matthew 20:16  The main article that changed my mind in college on white privilege is below.  I strongly urge ANYONE who is white to read it.

Unpacking the Knapsack of White Privilege 
By: Peggy McIntosh

http://static1.1.sqspcdn.com/static/f/636447/10105735/1294338496063/Microsoft+Word+-+Unpacking+the+Knapsack+of+White+Privilege.pdf?token=CGJMykMl4i6GI1BIshRmHnXOIZ0%3D

Today No Longer Will I!

            Today is a historic day in our country.  Today is the day that the Supreme Court ruled in favor of same-sex marriage NATIONWIDE.  Tears welled up in my eyes as I received a text from my girlfriend informing me of the ruling.  First feelings of absolute joy surged through my body and then tinges of fear; the first time I cried for marriage equality for myself was the day that Michigan voted to recognize same-sex marriages.  The next day it was repealed.  As tears welled up, I prayed that this wasn't a false promise of my country to me.
             Fears aside, my heart is beaming with joy! This is a huge victory for myself and personal rights but it is also a huge victory for my friends, peers, colleagues, family members, and all of the country.  Whether you benefit directly from this ruling or not, it is my belief that this country benefits as a whole.  Two hours into this ruling and my Facebook wall is drenched in updates celebrating.  My straight friends and family are celebrating as equally as my gay and lesbian friends.  I read one post that announced that after 15 years of being together, my friend and her partner are engaged! So many others that I know that have put in the hard time and effort that marriage requires, are now rejoicing in having their marriage certificates from other states be recognized in their state! We are not just celebrating a right! We are celebrating LOVE! Love in it's purest form.  It comes with dedication, hard work, perseverance, and a deep LOVE.
             Today I celebrate the institution of marriage! I celebrate the fact that no longer will my friends and I be treated as second class citizens! No longer will I have to worry about the day that I am married and can't share health benefits with my beloved or worry about retirement, lawful protection of my rights as a mother of my future children, or be concerned that my beloved or I could be hospitalized and not be able to see each other or make pivotal decisions in our care! No longer will I have to plan a trip to go marry my beloved in another state and return to ours where we are not recognized! No longer will I have to fear discrimination with work place rights! No longer will I have to be pained at the thought of my children growing up with their mothers not legally being recognized! NO LONGER WILL I BE FORCED TO BE IN PART BUT RATHER EXIST WHOLE.
            Today I celebrate the victory that I believe GOD has placed before us.  As a future Pastor, it is my desire to see the church function as Christ desires.  It is my hope to foster an environment where people can come to exist, grow, and evolve in an authentic relationship with Christ.  Though we have separation between Church and State, the two consistently intersect in our country.  No longer will the church be able to keep a comfortable quiet in this conversation.  No longer will people be able to ignore the inclusion of the GLBT community.  This is God's charge to God's people! How do we love the way that you love, God?! This will without a doubt call the church community out of its comfort zone with this conversation and force people to really reflect on this question.  This will not be an overnight fix but it is a conversation starter; and that is the best thing; to begin talking about it.
             This is an extremely pivotal time in our country.  In the wake of the Black Lives Matter movement and the racially motivated atrocity in Charleston, South Carolina, our country is being ushered into a time where we are really having to look at what EQUALITY and JUSTICE mean.  This is a huge step for human rights.  May we become a country of compassion that upholds love, respect, hard work, determination, commitment, and human dignity higher than anything else.  And in this, I believe we will, whether intentional or unintentional,  exemplify characteristics of God and be well pleasing to our Creator.
            Today, no longer will we be as divided and no longer will hate triumph over love.  Dylann Roof shot 9 people in a church in attempts at starting a race war.  Instead, what he started was an extreme awareness of the misguidance that our country can still breed and bring blacks and whites together to console each other, to live together, to journey together, and to praise God together.  The state of Indiana tried to take a stand against gay rights.  What they in turn did was highlight and ignite a country against that discrimination.  Today, our country chose basic human rights instead of fear and wrongful judgement.  Today, our country chose you and our country chose me.  I celebrate with my brothers and sisters of every kind of background today as this is not just a victory for the GLBT community, but for us all.  The institution can only be strengthen by this movement.  Thanks be to God for the direction we are heading.  I can't wait to be a part of the conversation!

A Concept of Strength

         Recently I have been reminded of the various ways individuals define strength.  Perhaps the most pointed reminder was being told that I was weak.  The reasons that I was told I was weak caused me to pause for a moment, digest, and feel grateful.  The person that said it meant it as a slam but I took it as a compliment.
         Often times life calls us to live counter intuitively.  The philosophy that "only when I am weak, then I am strong" seems backwards.  What does that even mean anyway?! If you're weak, then how can you possibly be strong?! I wrestled with this question for several years when I was first introduced to this philosophy.  In a society of go-getters, competition, hurt, abuse, and sin, the natural response is to build walls.  Strength is often times exercised in our ability to mask our hurt, our vulnerabilities, and portray ourselves as oh, so well put together.  Strength is not allowing our weaknesses to show.
          Real strength is the opposite.  Real strength is being able to live in our truth which exposes us and makes us vulnerable.  Real strength comes in turning the other cheek.  Real strength is admitting we did this wrong. Real strength is loving with God's grace when every thread in our natural being wants to fight back.

I AM WEAK

I am weak for social justice

I bend at the knees

I am weak for love

An outstretched pouring

I am weak for forgiveness

A calling too deep

I am weak for restoration

We will be restored

I am weak for what I believe in

Running through me it flows

I am weak for character and integrity

As it carries us into righteousness

I am weak for humility

Water to dry lips

Community

I am weak

Own your weaknesses and in that you will find strength. 

Reap What You Sow

      I just recently had a family member very bitterly respond to my lamenting of a strained relationship with another beloved family member with, "Ya reap what you sow", and then walk away from me.   It took every ounce of control not to yell at this person, "If that's the case get in fights, people would have cheated on you multiple times as you were growing into a real adult, and used your body repeatedly for self-gratification over and over.  You would have people be demeaning to you at times and be utterly disrespectful just because anger seethes".  Praise God, I held my tongue.
       I should state that the family member who "so kindly" told me I reap what I sow, is actually a rather outstanding person with a lot of character and integrity.  We all have our bad moments.  All this arose out of me cutting ties with a close blood relative.  I cut these ties out of serious ethical disagreements.  At the time I allowed my anger and hurt to dictate my tongue and instead of cutting ties in a "classy" way, I went out in a blaze of bitchiness, poured salt into the disconnect wound, and then basically set it all on fire.
        Sometimes in life we don't get re-do's.  I tend to always leave the door open to everyone for a re-do chance; not everyone functions that way.  I can't say I blame them.  Hell, I wish I could shut the door to some for eternity but despite some solid efforts, I'm just not hot-wired that way.  For some, the hurt is so much that try as we may, we cannot physically get their door to open back up.  I attempted a re-do with this relative that I figuratively set ablaze with my bitchiness; the door is closed.
        As I was left to my thoughts after the "ya reap what you sow" statement, I was left to my thoughts and sadness.  I don't think embittered we should carry a philosophy of reaping what we sow.  Imagine how sick and depraved we would all be and the twisted shit we would go through for the entirety of life we all truly reaped what we sowed?! I think we all need to lay in the bed we make at times. It's about taking responsibility; not living in a constant state of punishment for our transgressions. The truth is some things cannot be un-done.  Sometimes we have to wrestle with the moments when we lost control and did or said something regrettable.  The wrestling teaches us how to proceed.  My family member that I set ablaze with hurt was in the state and visited with other family members; my presence wasn't desired by said individual.  Does hurt and anger always deserve hurt and anger in return? Reap what you sow?  Nawe.  We are called to a much higher level of compassion and love with each other than that.  Is it my bed to lay in right now? Yeah.
       My challenge to anyone reading this is to not look at our brothers and sisters with a spirit of reap what you sow but rather one of grace and forgiveness.  This doesn't mean that what has happened is okay, but it does mean we can be bigger and God IS bigger than our hurt and blunders.  Allow God to be bigger than our faults. Choosing compassion and love can sometimes pull us outside of our ourselves.  Accept the bigger.  Live the better.

Matthew 6:9-13

9 “This, then, is how you should pray:

“‘Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
10 your kingdom come,
your will be done,
    on earth as it is in heaven.
11 Give us today our daily bread.
12 And forgive us our debts,
    as we also have forgiven our debtors.
13 And lead us not into temptation,[a]
    but deliver us from the evil one.