I never learned the skill of hearing the beat of my own heart and being able to listen to anothers. Everyone else's heart & tune were always so much more important than hearing my own. I derived all my self-importance from the happiness, support, and love that I could give another. Their happiness covered my silent pleas for my own needs. Tonight, I feel as if though I am stuck in a time portal back to my high school and college days where I was not living with a lover and could heart the faint beat of my own heart begging for attention. I sit in my bedroom, candles lit (not for sensual purposes with another per the usual) for relaxation purposes, and MY music playing over my speakers. In the days of high school and college my mind would race at nighttime. Thoughts of relationships, life's meaning, my meaning, and all other life's big questions would flood my mind and I would write. I would play my music and I would write.
Perhaps some of that introspective was rooted in the fact that during those years I was a knowledge sponge and took such intellectual delight in figuring out where I fit in this beautiful, disastrous world. Either way, I heard the beat of my heart. I sit here and write tonight because at the very basic parts of me, the parts removed from being all consumed with the romance needs of those I have chosen to give my heart, I EXIST!!!! You could label me a scorned woman but to me, that implies weakness and victimization. Have I placed myself in less than life giving relationships to my own detriment? Hell yes! But the reality is, I cannot play the victim card because I willingly signed up for it. There is no blame shifting because the responsibility falls upon my shoulders.
I have loved so deeply. It may have been right and it may have been so wrong. Either way I loved. Have you ever felt like you were on the brink of holding the most precious thing you've ever come across and then, without any knowing, or thought, they slip through your fingers like sand?! You try so hard once you realize what you have to grasp it, but it slips through your finger tips. The guttural response of knowing what you have and not being able to hold it, love it, accept it, and treasure it like you want to so bad is the worst feeling. It just slips through your fingers.
The music. The writing. The heartbeat I hear within my chest lets me know that I am alive. Very few things these days make me aware that I am a person that exists for a reason. After deriving my meaning from serving others vocationally, romantically, and sacrificially platonically, I am slightly lost without those avenues. I wake up and wonder where my place is in this world. I question what my point is. There are those that love me with a vigor but somehow their love still does not give me a reason to wake up and go about my ways. I've been so focused on external to me, I've forgotten how to hear the quiet voice inside me. Moments of isolation can either be a tool of destruction or a tool of self-discovery and awakening.
I've had a few old classmates that it seems got swallowed up in the silence. The pressures of life, love, and inevitable failures of life had a weight that was too crushing. Their families love and support couldn't hold them up. The joys of having beautiful kids and wives could not breathe enough light into the darkness in their moments of silence. It's a wonder how some of us get swallowed up while some of us keep plugging along. I think of these men in my most desperate hour.
At the end of the day, I have me. There's so much redefining to do with what that is or what that will be but, I have a heart that beats just for me. I'm fearful that the great love I have felt and have felt myself love with, is sand slipping through my fingers. I am blessed to know what it is like to be deeply loved and to love someone with such a passion and vigor my understanding of it fails to be able to defined. Perhaps the best thing I can do for myself at this juncture is to let the sand fall and allow myself to run along the beach with its beauty and comfort beneath my feet? At the very basic core of who I am, I have always loved to walk and run along the water with the sand between my toes.
Below is a link to a song that has hugged my soul for many years in my quiet hours of desperation. Matt Wertz - Lonely Tonight. Listen to the whole song. I hope the end will bring you the same feeling.
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